Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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