NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
