My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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