I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
