omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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