Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
