yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
