Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
