Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
