Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
