Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
