I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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