Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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