I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
