You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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