omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There's always time for handjobs
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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