dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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