PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
