whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Randomize
