Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
