Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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