You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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