May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
