she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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