Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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