i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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