I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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