two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
