If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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