I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
