Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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