From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
