i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
