I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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