I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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