I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
