During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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