i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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