Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
