im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
