I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Randomize
