Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
