holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
