Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
