She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
