I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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