It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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