i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
