That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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