Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
